


Be happy?

by KanerTazerFluff



Series: Breath [2]
Category: Jonathan Toews/Patrick Kane - Fandom, Patrick Kane/Jonathan Toews - Fandom
Genre: Adorable, Dark, Fluff, Gay, Happy, M/M, Nightmares, Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 20:59:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3704671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KanerTazerFluff/pseuds/KanerTazerFluff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jonny hopes this  will be an end to the reoccurring nightmares but as the days go on, they happen, constantly. Every night, sometimes twice, Jonny wakes up to a frantic Kaner. Even through Jonny's new attitude and every-other-day therapy, Kaner still has the dreams.  Causing him to lose hours of needed sleep. And its starting to Affecting his game and Kaners.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Be happy?

Jonny leans against the wall and crosses his arms.  
"So, it's not like me to get involved in a patients personal life but I can assume you are the-umm-domestic partner?" he looks at his clipboard saying the last part.  
"Yes." Jonny says trying not to add any heat to the clear homophobe.  
"Alright, and do you live with Mr.Kane?"  
"Yes."  
The doctor takes breath.  
"Here's the thing Jon, counselors are great but even I know that attention from a stranger is nothing compared to attention from a loved one." He says like Jonny should understand what that means. Jonny raises his eye brows to let him know he doesn't.  
"His psyche is tattered right now, a near death experience can still be fatal, even if the patient is physically okay. He is probably going to cling to you more than usual." Jonny huffs at that sentence, since Kaner already clings to him anyway.  
"Normally, pretending everything is okay is possibly the worst thing you could say to do but in this case-you have to." he says lightening up a bit.  
"Sooo you want me to just act like everything is normal?" Jonny asks letting the confusion be obvious in his tone.  
"Not exactly. I want you to pretend it's better. Be loving and caring, make everything happy. You need to build is conscience back up."  
Jonny ponders the idea but stays quiet.  
"You both play for the Chicago Blackhawks, am I correct?" he says deepening again.  
"Yeah?" Jonny questions.  
Jonny was expecting some kind of therapy from the question but the doctor just nods.  
"I'm still going to send Patrick to one of our psychiatrists but really, Jon, it's mainly on you here." He jots more things down on his clipboard.  
"Why does he still have to go to a counselor if you say it's me that has to do everything?" Jonny asks kind of snappy.  
"Well, Patrick might not tell you everything." he shrugs his shoulders and makes cold eye contact with Jonny.  
"Patrick tells me everything." he snorts.  
"Jonny, this isn't what you want to hear but there is always more to the story. I'm not doubting he doesn't but there are some things that are just easier to keep from people you love."  
"Like what?" Jonny says genuinely interested for the first time.  
"Embarrassing or scary things, details. The therapist will tell you if Mr.Kane gives him permission to and judging by what I've seen, you're pretty close. I wouldn't worry about it."  
That actually makes sense to Jonny even though he doesn't think Kaner hides anything.  
"So just act happy?" he reviews.  
"Exactly." the doctor says. He gives Jonny more brief instructions on what not to say and what not to do and he opens up the door himself and excuses them.  
Kaner grabs Jonnys arm and waits until they are all the way down the hall to ask:  
"What did he say." Jonny has never been good at being overly happy or emotional and he knows this week is going to be a challenge.  
"Doesn't matter Kaner, I'm just happy you're okay." Jonny says stopping and taking Kaner's head in his hands. He kisses him on the forehead then smiles. Kaner pulls off a half smile, biting his bottom lip.  
"So what do I have to do?" Kaner says innocently.  
"Well, doc wants you to see this phycologist guy a few times, just to get it out of your head, okay?"  
Kaner nods, not because he agrees but he doesn't want to argue with Jonny after all he has done.  
"So, why dont you go down there while I grab us some clothes?" Jonny persuades.  
"I want you to go with me." Kaner says sharply.  
Jonny knows he can't.  
"Kaner, I um-" Jonny tries to think of an exucse but cant.  
"The doc said he wants you to go alone." he says flatly.  
Kaner moans and rolls his eyes.  
"Do I have to?" Kaner whines.  
"Yes." Jonny says fluffing his hair.  
"Just for a minute, babes."  
Jonny walks Kaner down to the other room and leaves him outside the front door. Kaner suprisingly doesn't even fight him.  
Jonny walks awardly though the hospital, still barefoot and shirtless. He avoids eye contact with some people wearing Hawks gear though he knows a picture will leak the internet somehow.  
Jonny goes to Kaners truck and pulls out thier hockey bags. All they have are thier work out clothes but better than nothing. Jonny pulls on his muscle shirt and finds his old NHL draft hoodie under the seat. He pulls it on. Its tight but it fits. He grabs his sandals and Kaners then heads back into the hospital, making sure to walk very slowly to not draw attention, he'd perfer this didn't get out to the world.  
He walks to the office and sits down on the floor outside the door. He looks at the white walls, they start churning but he closes his eyes and blocks them out. He feels sick. How could nightmares be fatal? Every little kid has them? Even Kaner does sometimes, nothing like last night of course. Jonny never really remembers his dreams, if he even has them. He has had to hold Kaner through a few nights after he was trapped in a cave or lost Jonny in the convience store but the sensitive part was one of Jonnys favorite things about Kaner, it made Jonny feel needed.  
Jonny feels the door open behind him. He jumps up and steps away, still feeling nautious. Kaner looks oddly better but he still falls into Jonnys arms.  
"Hi!! a woman comes out with a huge warming smile.  
"You must be Jonny." She says.  
"Yeah." Jonny smiles.  
"You're one lucky guy to have this man in your life you know." she says rubbing Kaners back. Jonny feels like this is part of the 'be happy' game they have to play. Jonny plays along.  
"He's pretty special." Jonny says squeezing him.  
"May I have a word with you, please, Jonny?" she grins.  
Kaner isn't as reluctant this time and lets Jonny follow her. She closes the door.  
"Take a seat, Jonny." she says not as preppy now but still soft.  
Jonny does.  
"Patrick, wow." she says glaring into his eyes.  
"What?" Jonny says not being able to read her tone.  
"He is a great kid." she says but isn't finished.  
"Is he always this sensitive?" she asks concerned.  
"He is a little edgy today but he has always been pretty shy."  
"I get the feeling you kind of take care of him?"  
Jonny shrugs.  
"I guess. I cook for him and clean up after him and stuff."  
She nods as he talks.  
"I can tell you mean a lot to him." she says smiling.  
Jonny can't help but smile too.  
"Does he mean a lot to you?" she asks getting more serious.  
Jonny makes an ill face.  
"Of course, he is my everything." Jonny looks down.  
"Well he needs you now more than ever. This is going to be a long few days, Jonny."  
Jonny nods.  
"What should I do?" Jonny opens up for the first time.  
"Just be there for him." she says simply.  
Jonny always has been but he knows what she means.  
She lets him leave with orders to bring Kaner back the day after tomorrow. Jonny nods and shakes her hand she follows him out.  
Kaner is standing where Jonny was sitting.  
His arms are wrapped up in eachother.  
"Hey, lil Kaner." Jonny says smiling.  
"You boys have fun, I will see you Thursday, Patrick." she puts her hand in front of him and he shakes it.  
She walks back into the room.  
Jonny exhales.  
"You ready to go home?" Jonny turns to Kaner.  
Kaner nods his head.  
He shivers.  
"You cold?" Jonny says rubbing heis bare arms.  
Kaner nods again.  
"Here." Jonny says taking off his own sweatshirt and putting it on Kaner. He puts his arms out and into the holes. Its about two sizes too big for him. Jonny laughs as he zips it up. He flips the hood up as a joke and zips it up over his mouth. He can see Kaners eyes smiling.  
"Still cold?" Jonny jokes.  
He shakes his head this time.  
"Good." Jonny hugs him, picking him up off the ground. Kaner wraps his arms around Jonnys neck, folding into his embrace.  
Kaner pulls the hood off and puts the zipper on his neck. Jonny takes his hand and walks him out of the hospital.  
Be happy. Playing through his head. Be happy.  
Jonny drives Kaner home and tries not to shiver as the cold frost that is March in Chicago bites at his bare arms and shoulders. Luckily the hummer heats up pretty quickly.  
When Jonny and Kaner get back home Jonny tries to act as normal as possible.  
Kaner plops down on the couch.  
"I'm exhausted." he huffs.  
"You had a rough night." Jonny says sitting down next to him and wrapping him in his arms.  
Kaner lays his head on Jonny's chest.  
Jonny leans into him.  
"Oh shit, we have practice." he says pushing his face against shoulder.  
"You're not going to practice." Jonny laughs.  
Kaner pulls away a little offended.  
"And why not?" Kaner says with his arms crossed.  
Jonny smiles at his attitude.  
"You're taking a break dude, your body needs time to rest." Jonny says softer.  
"The doctor said I'm fine." he tries to act hard but can't pull it off.  
Jonny gets a little flared at this newly found attitude but calms himself down.  
"Kaner," he says  
"You took a pretty hard hit, we don't want to push it. Okay?"  
Kaner sighs and loses the face. He knows Jonny's right, as usual.  
"When can I play then?" he asks reluctantly.  
"Maybe Saturday against Philly but I really don't want you to hurt yourself, Kaner."  
Kaner rolls back into Jonny, knowing there is no use in pitching a fit.  
Jonny turns the TV onto sportscenter and somehow- as fate would have it, there is Kaner. Of course.  
Jonny tries to flip before Kaner can see it but he grabs the remote from Jonnys hand.  
He rewinds it back to the part they play the hit, damn Jonny for leaving the DVR on. Kaner gasps when he sees himself. They play it in slow motion, zooming in on his face then down to his feet, which are six inches off the ice.  
Jonny watches Kaner and holding his breath.  
"I don't remember any of it." he says contemplating something.  
"That's probably for the best little man. It was pretty scary." Jonny kisses Kaners forehead.  
"Jonny?" Kaner says before Jonny can even pull away.  
"Yeah?"  
"What if I had died?"  
Jonnys heart sinks. He doesn't quiet know how to answer. He wants to freak out but he keeps calm.  
"Jonny?" Kaner asks after Jonny stays quiet.  
"What do you mean, Kaner?"  
"Would you be okay?" he says, honestly curious.  
"Kaner..." Jonny obviously wouldn't but he still doesn't know how to reply.  
"Kaner, you know I love you." Jonny says squeezing him again.  
"You cant die, I'd miss you too much." he starts pecking Kaner on the face. He pushes him over so Jonny is completely sprawled on top of him.  
"Plus you'd probably come back and haunt me." Jonny says grinning.  
"Oh Tazer, you know me so well." Kaner says pulling Jonnys head down onto his. 

 

Jonny calls Q to tell him neither of them will be at practice and he only got away with it because Q knew Kaner was listening.  
They spend the day lounging and playing stupid dice shot games. Kaner can't even sip fireball but is a sucker for Jack Daniels, even straight. Jonny jokes that Kaner should start swigging apple juice but Kaner- the bastard he is, takes him half serious and actually does it.  
The two get just buzzed enough to make it through the entire 'Fantom of the Opera' midnight showing but it's killed off in the time being, leaving Jonny both irritable and jittery but he tries hard to keep Kaner from noticing. He does pretty well. 

 

Kaner falls asleep on Jonnys leg, somewhat to his relief, after what happened last night. Jonny carries Kaner up to bed. Kaner wakes up as Jonny is lifting him but keeps his eyes closed and his head on Jonnys chest, a small smile on his face.  
Jonny lays him in bed and kneels down next to him. Looking at him deeply. What would Jonny do if he died? His whole life, his whole world gone?  
He kisses him lightly on the hair and goes to his own side. He throws the covers over himself and then Kaner. Jonny turns away this time, scared of waking him up. Even though Kaner is on the other side wanting nothing more than Jonny to hold him.  
Kaner flips around and grabs Jonnys hand, the only thing he can do at his back. Jonny turns around, keeping hold of his fingers.  
"You okay?" Jonny asks.  
"Fine, I just want my Jonny." Kaner says sweetly.  
Jonny can't help but smile. He pulls Kaner into his chest and strokes his hair. The two don't say anything but Jonny waits for Kaner to fall asleep before trying to drift off himself. He listens to Kaners steady breath. In out, in out, in out. He times it. He never completely falls under but dozes enough to be totally unconscious. He wakes up to an all too familiar kicking. He throws himself up so fast the bed shakes into the wall. He shakes Kaner before his eyes can even adjust to the dim light. Kaner thrashes awake and sucks in a deep breath. Jonny pulls him into his chest before he can start crying. Kaner pushes hard into him, wrapping his arms around Jonnys back.  
He starts whimpering.  
"Babe, you're fine. Don't cry." he soothes.  
"It was just a dream." he embraces.  
"I'm scared!" he panics.  
"No, no, no. Baby, you're okay." Jonny says  
"Don't be scared. I'm right here." 

 

Jonny continues to hush Kaner for the next hour. He whimpers softly into Jonnys chest and silent tears fall off his cheeks.  
"It's okay." Jonny repeats over and over.  
"I'm right here." 

 

Jonny adjusts so he and Kaner are laying together but still holding him close in his arms.  
"Go back to sleep." he soothes. Kaner eventually calms down enough to drift off but he has a death grip on Jonny but that was totally okay with him. Jonny catches his first real sleep in over two days. Luckily Kaner doesn't have another fit. Jonny wakes up to the sun gazing through the curtains. It must be at least 9 for it to be in that place, Jonny has never slept that late. Jonny squints his eyes. Kaner is wide awake, staring at him  
"Hey sleepy." he says smiling.  
"What time is it?"  
"9:20." Kaner says kind of disappointed he didn't get a good morning from Jonny.  
Jonny reads his face though. 'Be happy' he thinks.  
"Not that that matters." he rolls over to Kaner.  
"Not when you have the most adorable boyfriend in the world."  
Kaner smiles.  
"Nothing else matters." Jonny says, knowing full well how cheesy he sounds. But Kaner laughs anyway.  
Jonny rolls all the way over Kaner and swoops him up off the bed.  
"God, Kaner, you need to bulk up. Somebody could just throw you over their shoulder and run away."  
"Shut up, meathead." he says snapping back.  
"Meathead?" Jonny laughs.  
"Yes, that's what you are." Kaner pokes him in the forehead.  
"It's called muscle, get some." Jonny squeezes Kaners tiny size 6 thights.  
"Muscle doesn't score goals, captain!" he flirts back as Jonny walks him down the stairs.  
"Um #5 in the league here, buddy." Jonny gloats.  
"#3!" Kaner mocks him with his higher stat.  
"I let you win." Jonny says with sarcasm intended.  
"Awe what a good boyfriend you are." Kaner says as Jonny sits him on the counter.  
"I can't win at everything around here, lil Kaner." he says with wicked eyes.  
"Good because you don't." Kaner flirts.  
Jonny tickles his stomach.  
"Little ticklish there?" he says, tickling him harder. Kaner scotches down and grabs Jonnys hand.  
They both laugh as Jonny walks over to the fridge.  
"What do you want, stringbean?"  
"Pancakes." he says calmed down a little.  
"Spare me the carbs and at least let me put blueberries in them?" Jonny says dramtically.  
"And you're probably gonna leave the syrup off too, eh big boy?"  
"Yes and that's our word!" he says back.  
"You silly American." Jonny kisses the crease of Kaners mouth before he can fight back.  
"Now shush." he pulls away. Kaner shakes his head at how ridiculous Jonnys diet is. He purposefully drenches his pancakes in butter and syrup and makes a scene of eating it but little does he know Jonny is just happy to finally see him acting normal again.  
Jonny hopes this will be an end to the reoccurring nightmares but as the days go on, they happen, constantly. Every night, sometimes twice, Jonny wakes up to a frantic Kaner. Even through Jonny's new attitude and every-other-day therapy, Kaner still has the dreams. Causing him to lose hours of needed sleep. And its starting to Affecting his game and Kaners.  
Q finally pulls Jonny out again after two weeks of this and asks how its going. Jonny pours everything out, feeling good to say it out-loud to somebody even if it is Q. He tells Jonny to keep taking him back until he figures out what to do, even nodding in some sympathy.  
Jonny tries as hard as he can to keep up the act even though it's not even an act anymore. Him acting happy all the time has really opened Kaner up, not only to him but to the guys in general. Minus the sleep tantrums, he has actually improved a lot and so has Jonny, minus being 30% low on sleep all the time. 

 

It's been a month and a half since the hits and the nightmares are still coming every night. Jonny can't handle it anymore. He calls Kaners parents. His mom flies down from Buffalo and talks with Jonny. She tells him how proud she is of him and how sorry she is all of this has happened but she tells Jonny it just takes Kaner a while to get over things but consistency is the key. He cant be rushed but she has also seen improvements in him since the accident. Jonny thanks her and leaves to talk to Kaner's counselor, who asked him to come down, alone.  
He knocks on the door. She looks kind of sympathetic at him.  
"Take a seat, Jonny." she says, calling him by the name Kaner always does.  
She wastes no time starting.  
"Jonny, I have something to tell you." she says.  
Jonny leans forward toward her desk.  
"I don't think Kaner is hurt, Jonny." she says like she isn't quiet sure what she is talking about.  
Jonny cringes his eyes, thinking the woman has completely lost it.  
"I don't think I'm following you, he was never really hurt." Jonny says trying to act maturely.  
"Mentally hurt, Jonny." she says, correcting him.  
"Eh?"  
"I mean- I think he was most definitely at the beginning but you see, the more time I spend with Patrick, the more I think he just likes the sympathy." She says flipping through his records.  
"What do you mean? Like from the media and stuff?" Jonny says completely oblivious.  
Her face suddenly turns cold as she looks at him.  
"From everyone. Some people crave it. He wants people to feel bad for him." she says flat.  
Jonnys heart starts racing, he shudders:  
"What do you mean-he-he couldn't be, why would make you think that!?" he jumps up from the chair.  
"Well, since the accident, he has gotten lots of it. Get well cards, special treatment from the team and guys and especially you, would you really want it to end?."  
Jonnys eyes widen. It all made sense.  
"So he has been faking this whole time?"  
"I can't say yes or no, legally Jonny, but I think its safe to say the instant terror has passed." she persuades.  
"What do I do?" Jonny asks totally disengaged.  
"Should we tell him?" Jonny asks.  
"I think that would be best." she says a little more kind heartedly.  
"I don't think I could bring myself to do that." Jonny says sensitively.  
"If it would be easier, you could do it here." She says probably just wanting to see what goes down but having a third party somehow seems comforting to Jonny so he agrees to bring Kaner back tomorrow under strict orders not to change anything when Kaner throws a fit tonight.  
3 a.m- Kaner 'wakes up' thrashing. Jonny had lied awake waiting for it but for the first time, no pain or tremor in his heart. He does his best acting and 'comforting' Kaner but the longer it goes on the harder it is for Jonny to pull off being 'scared' and playing daddy but he knows he has to. He grows angry with Kaner, how he can put Jonny through all this just as part of a stupid sympathy game.  
Jonny lulls Kaner back to sleep and then drifts off himself. He wakes Kaner up for what he thinks is just another therapy session but he doesn't know what's coming. Kaner jumps in the shower as Jonny makes breakfast. His stomach churns, half from nerves and half from the smell of burnt eggs. 

 

Kaner comes bouncing down the stairs. Jonny puts on his happy face, which for the first time since the beginning is totally fake.  
Jonny tries to be patient with Kaner as he downs the second batch of eggs Jonny made. He picks at it, which is totally not normal for Kaner.  
"What's wrong, Kaner?" Jonny asks, taking notice.  
"Can we talk?" Kaner says dropping the fork flat on the plate, creating a huge chime.  
"Yeah?" Jonny says, a shiver running up his spine at Kaners tone.  
Kaner sits down next to Jonny on the couch.  
"Would you hate me, Jonny..." he opens up but stops there.  
"What Kaner?" Jonny says after a moment.  
"If I was okay?" he studders.  
Jonny feels ice cold as he knows what is going on, Kaner is telling him, on his own.  
"Huh?" Jonny lets him explain.  
"If this didn't happen anymore." he says, knowing Jonny will understand 'this'.  
"Kaner, of course not. I want you better."  
Kaner sucks in a deep breath and his eyes start to water.  
"I'm so sorry, Jonny." he starts crying.  
Jonny's instincts want to pull him in and comfort him but he knows that these words need to be said.  
"About what, Kaner." he plays along, acting concerned.  
"It's not real, Jonny." he says through tears.  
"I've been faking it." he sobs.  
"The nightmares?"  
Kaner nods, huffing.  
"But why?" Jonny asks the burning question.  
Kaner slows down.  
"Jonny, when I got hurt, you took care of me. You dropped everything to make sure I was okay. You never let me get too far away and you made sure you were holding my hand all night, every night. You would hold me and comfort me. I was scared. It was real at the beginning, Jonny, I swear, but after they stopped, I was worried you would too."  
Jonny chokes on the words that just came out of Kaners mouth. He doesn't know weather to break down and cry. Kaner wasn't doing it for sympathy at all. He just wanted Jonny, who suddenly feels like an awful person for thinking Kaner could ever pull something like that.  
"But Kaner, I am always here for you." Jonny says as his throat swells.  
"It's not the same Jonny. You gave me so much attention it was like there was nothing else in the world."  
Kaners lip starts quivering as Jonny pulls him into a full embrace.  
"Kaner, you're my whole life you know that? Don't ever think its because I don't care or I'm too busy, you're always first, little man. I'm so sorry I never showed it well enough.."  
Kaner pants under Jonnys chin.  
"And Kaner," he refers to Kaners question from yesterday-  
"If you died, there would be no point. No point in any of this. There will always be other things in the world but none of them matter without you."


End file.
